For this Season

Today I applied for a job. I'm not unemployed. But I applied for a new job, one that involves moving over seas and has the potential to alter the direction of my life  - at least temporarily. As I sent off my resume with a little prayer that God's will be done I felt something unfamiliar.

I'm willing to admit that I've always struggled with singleness. It always seems like everyone around me is dating or engaged. Shoot, I even have friends younger than me who are already married with kids (that's right kids=plural).

My parents were married just a few months after they both turned 21. While I have dated before I now find myself staring "23" in the face, and I'm single. It's easy to cave into thoughts like, "well I just must not be good enough, or there must be something wrong with me. Or maybe it's that I'm just not pretty enough. My personality must be too boring. I'm just not mature enough to attract the right kind of guy"....along with whatever else we single girls let float through our minds as we try to reason through our single state.

Lies. All of them. And we know it. Still, it's hard not to think those things.

But today as I scanned through my resume updating parts here and there I realized that if I were at any other place in my life right now I probably would never have even considered this job in the first place.

I was legitimately thankful to be single - and it shocked me.

I began to realize how unique this time really is.

I am single, and for now I'm glad to be (still feels weird to say that). I truly am beginning to see singleness as a gift. I don't think that I have it for life. I do hope to get married someday and have a family - there is a quarter in my heart that desires that very deeply. However for now God has given me the this incredible gift - of independence and unparalleled 'mobility' if you will - cleverly disguised as singleness.

I am responsible for me and only me. If I want to pick up and move across the world I can, and it won't devastate anyone I leave behind.  I am free to dedicate my energy and time to pursuits of my choosing without the need to differ to someone else's desires or calling.

Now I remember at almost every gender segregated chapel I ever went to a message was given on singleness. And without fail that message would at least touch on the idea that we were the most "free" we would ever be due to our single status. Most of the time I rolled my eyes, while thinking to myself, "Hogwash! I don't know a single girl who wouldn't give up this supposed 'freedom' you speak of in an instant if it meant she could have a relationship based on mutual love and understanding."

Now I find myself so excited about the possibilities of this unparalleled independence. It makes me a little bit giddy inside. I want to travel. I want to write a book. I want to randomly drop everything and move to the other side of the world in order to serve someone in need. I want to give all my money away to missions. I want to go away for days at a time to visit friends and family around the country. I want to spend hours on end learning more about my Savior and drawing closer to him by deepening my understanding of His word. I want to be able to be able to fit everything I own into my car, and be able to live in any kind of space.

And I have the freedom to do that! I really could do all those things! That just thrills me!

I know I may not always feel this way, but for now I'm so thankful for this little window of time in life, and for God's graciousness in helping me to understand at least a part of why this is the best place for me to be now. I hope that I can take all this opportunity and maximize it for His glory. There will be other seasons in life when glorifying God with my actions and deeds will look a little bit - or a lot a bit - different, and when that time comes I pray that I'll be just as excited about those opportunities as I am about these. But until then, I think I'll live for today - for this season :)

with this ring...

When I was 15 I was given a ring.

When I was 19 I began to see that ring in a new light. With my mind racing I jotted down these thoughts on a small sheet of paper that I have carried in my wallet ever since:

"This ring around my finger is beginning to take on a new meaning. I'm not sure it was the meaning originally intended but I doubt the giver of the ring would have any objections. It is not the sort of ring that promises me some kind of relationship with the boy of my dreams ... It is a promise ring, though not the kind a boyfriend gives his girlfriend; it's the sort a father gives his daughter. Mine was given to me by my father on my 15th birthday. He gave it to me as a symbol of the decision I made to keep myself pure for my someday knight in shinning armor. 

"Without a doubt this ring still means that to me, but I will say again what I said in the beginning. It has begun to symbolize even more to me than that. It means to me not only my commitment to purity, but I also now see it as a sort of 'engagement' ring. I have no plans for marriage in the near future - but I have begun to see my relationship with Christ in a new light. There is Someone who loves me so madly - so completely that He died for me. My ring now symbolizes my ever growing love and commitment to Him. I belong to Him, and He is mine. My ring is the proof of my promise: I will love Him."

I grew up in the "True Love Waits" era. I missed part of the craze by virtue of being in another country, but even there the purity ring idea picked up a little speed. Back in the states nearly all of my friends had some form of TLW ring - whether given to them by their fathers, or purchased themselves at the local Christian bookstore. I thought it was a beautiful idea.

Recently I read a blog post shared by a friend on Facebook ( http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/ ). It was an excellent post - and I really appreciated a lot of what the author had to say. She no longer wears her purity ring - not because she's less committed to purity, but because her reasons for that commitment changed.

Her reasons for taking her TLW ring off, were the same I had for jotting down that note 3 1/2 years ago. I vividly remember writing those words down. It was in the middle of class at Word of Life Hungary, but my mind was completely distracted from the material being presented because my heart was in turmoil.

Bible Schools are often jokingly referred to as 'Bridal School' because suddenly you are surrounded by people of the opposite gender who appear to be equally committed to Christ. In other words: the pressure is on. But no matter how hard I tried to be 'good enough', it seemed I was always falling short, and what I was waiting for might never come.

I looked down at my ring and wondered for a brief moment why I even bothered.

Then a flood of memories filled my mind. None of the pithy quotes or ideas that I had so often heard like: "Dance with Jesus and He'll let the right man cut in" or "Love Jesus first, then He'll give you a husband to love". (Which I've come to realize are completely ridiculous thoughts!)

In that moment God brought to mind a life time of Bible stories, and years of His personal protection, provision, and care. It dawned on me - whoever it is this ring on my finger might have me waiting for, they could never be as good as what I already had.

The reason I bother to keep the promise attached to my ring is not because I'm holding out hope for a husband. It's not because I'm committed to some potential future relationship (though if God chooses to give me such a relationship, you better believe I'll be fully committed to it!).

The fact of the matter is I've already committed to an all encompassing, all consuming relationship with my Savior and God - and he asks nothing less than my total devotion - which includes my commitment to live in purity for His sake.

I used to think that if/when I got married I would take my purity ring off. It made sense under my previous assumption that my ring was a symbol of a commitment to stay pure for the sake of a future husband. That thought no longer stands. Why would I ever take my ring off? My commitment to a life of purity before God will not end if I get married.

No one will be cutting in on my dance with Jesus - the dances will just merge.


If that does happen someday, I hope to be worthy of the white dress I'll wear - but if I am it will not be because I was waiting for the arrival of the man standing at the other end of the aisle. He will benefit from my commitment to Another.

If my attitude is right (and I pray that it is) then I am not saving myself for anyone. I'm merely living for Christ.